Today is the day.

Today is the day: my first counselling session. I would like to write about how I feel, but truthfully, I don’t feel anything. It’s been nearly five months coming, and today, I feel much like I did five months ago. Numb. Empty. And exhausted. Exhausted by the daily grind of depression, the heaviness of trying to get out of bed, the dissonance of putting on an enthusiastic face for the outside world, and the pressure of wanting to be ‘getting better’ for the people in my life who were so relieved to see me getting professional help.

I ran out of citalopram a week ago and can’t find the prescription slip to order a repeat. I could go back to my GP to get a new prescription,  but I’ve explained to myself that since I didn’t want to be on medication anyway, this is a good opportunity to see whether psychological treatment alone is enough. That’s the rational explanation. The truth is, the thought of seeing him again makes my heart beat through my chest, so I’m avoiding it.

Now today, I have to talk. But what to say? My life is good. I have a well paid, interesting job; a partner who I love deeply and have fun with; a nice flat in an area lots of people wish they could live in; good relationships with family; and lots of friends who I love and who care about me. There is no good reason for me to be unhappy. I could dig out supposedly traumatic events from throughout my life, but in my experience, that’s true of pretty much everyone. So that leaves me back where I started: what to talk about? In my last go at psychological treatment, I remember endless silences because I didn’t know what I was meant to talk about.

A couple of months ago, I requested a copy of my patient file from the psychiatrist I saw in 2004-5. It was hard seeing things written down about myself, things that I didn’t recall being spoken in the room. Words like “anorexia nervosa: partial remission”, “drunk today”, “borderline personality traits: see for further assessment”. There were also the letters between my psychiatrist and my GP, which I’d not seen before.

I feel she is suffering from a mild to moderate Borderline Personality Disorder. She describes a long history of labile mood, and has been self lacerating for the 2 years. She also bites her fingers to cause pain, and can also be reckless with spending and sex.

And a year later:

If she remains engaged in therapy she should continue to make slow but steady progress.

I dropped out of treatment a month after that last letter was written.

I feel reassured that this time I am seeing a counsellor without an official referral from my GP, so they won’t share information about me. But I know I suggested in an earlier post that it would be useful for them to share information. The point is, I want information shared in a way that includes me. I want professionals who are collaborating in my treatment with me. If they communicate, I should be copied in. Instead, I get a choice between uncoordinated treatment from two separate professionals who don’t know what the other is doing, or coordinated treatment in which I have no voice.