It’s Friday and I’ve got today off work. When I made the decision to seek professional help, I thought today would be the perfect day to do that. I would have the whole day off to myself, I could relax and prepare ahead of the appointment, and if it didn’t go well, I wouldn’t have anyone to put on a brave face for afterwards.
That was the plan. Since my GP practice advertises that you can get a routine appointment within 48 hours, I called on Tuesday to make the Friday appointment. So they could “deal with my call effectively”, I pressed 1 for the automated service. I prefer not to speak to a person if I can help it: people often inadvertently say the wrong thing, putting me off from following through. So I pressed 1 and it rang me through to the automated service. Except it didn’t. It just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. After about a minute, I accepted it wasn’t going to go through, hung up and rang back, this time pressing 2 to speak to a receptionist.
“Sorry, we haven’t got any appointments available on Friday.”
“I guess you don’t have anything sooner, then?”
“No, we’re all booked up. Unless it’s an emergency. I can get you in on Friday if it’s an emergency.”
And there it was. The reason I use the automated service. That question I’ve heard from so many GP receptionists, so many times before: is it an emergency?
I never know how to respond to that question. How can I explain that I need help now, that I’ve worked up the confidence and resolve to get help now, and that if I wait, I might lose that resolve? I know that if I wait, I may end up telling myself that things aren’t so bad, that I can manage this by myself, that there’s nothing professionals can do for me that I can’t do for myself.
How do I explain that I have Friday planned out in my head, that it’s important to me that it’s Friday? If the appointment isn’t on Friday then I know I’m less likely to turn up, and if I do turn up, I’m less likely to actually disclose my mental health problems when I’m sitting there in front of the doctor. But the fact that it’s important to me doesn’t make it an emergency, does it?
And if I say it’s an emergency, what will the doctor think of me when I do disclose? I already worry about being viewed as a time-waster, an attention-seeker, a drama queen. I feel these pejorative labels keenly, associated as they are with with the diagnosis I was lumped with 8 years ago: Borderline Personality Disorder.
“No, it’s not an emergency. When do you have an appointment available?”
“I can do Monday for you?”
No good, I’ve got an all-day meeting on Monday, and I can’t be cancelling meetings for a GP appointment.
“I can’t do Monday. How about Tuesday? And do you have an early appointment?”
“I’ve got 9:40 Tuesday morning.”
“That’s fine, thank you.”
It’s not really fine. It’s a week away, 9:40 means I’ll be late for work, and I’ll probably have to put that brave face on. At least I’m never sick – everyone ‘knows’ that about me – so they’ll all assume the appointment’s something routine, like contraception or a smear.