Tag Archives: Mappiness

Six weeks on Citalopram.

It’s six weeks since I started taking Citalopram. As I’ve mentioned, I track my mood on Mappiness. The graph below shows how happy, relaxed and awake I’ve felt between the end of November and mid January. Overall, I think there’s been a slight improvement, although it’s not particularly clear.

Mappiness 2012-13

A comparison to the same period last year provides even less clarity (there’s more data here, as I was tracking twice a day): I had a more pronounced upward trajectory this time last year, when I wasn’t on medication.

Mappiness 11-12

I saw the GP for a second follow-up on Thursday and mentioned that although I felt a bit better, I had noticed a similar pattern last year so wasn’t confident the change was due to medication. He didn’t really accept that explanation:

GP: I mean it can be a combination of things. Normally around the winter months, there’s less sunshine of-course, it affects people’s moods. And if you are pre-disposed to developing low moods anyway, probably it can make it a bit, exaggerate its effect. Now, ah, the other thing about the tablets is that ah, sometimes you don’t see the effect because it’s so gradual and what tends to happen is the only time that people realise it’s working is when they come off, and then they realise that it was working. So I think, you know, they’re actually working.

It’s winter now and I was telling him that I’m feeling a bit better, so his explanation made me feel that he wasn’t listening. From our previous conversations, I feel like he is very confident in the efficacy of SSRIs and that it would be very difficult to change that belief.

I’ve also felt in my two follow-up appointments that he’s not really interested in psychological treatments, and has only offered it as a complementary treatment because I wanted it. This time, I don’t think he would have even checked in about the counselling he’d referred me for, except that I brought it up.

GP: You still feel bad about yourself, self esteem?

Me: Yeah, that’s, yeah that’s still there. I’m gonna start counselling with Mind, but that’s not for a few weeks.

GP: Okay, okay. You managed to get hold of them.

Me: Yeah, yeah. So I had my assessment but I’ve just got to wait for them to allocate me a counsellor.

GP: Right. Great. Concentration?

He didn’t change my Citalopram dose, but gave me a repeat prescription and told me to come back in 3 months. I left my third appointment feeling frustrated. In my own line of work (a different health field), we talk constantly of “partnership-working”. In my first appointment, the GP gave me the phone number for Mind, but he drastically under-estimated how long I’d really have to wait to access counselling, didn’t know they offered evening appointments nor the actual cost, and he couldn’t tell me what type of counselling they offered. Now, he knows I’ve accessed the service but he’s not interested in knowing anything more.

It strikes me that once I start counselling, my counsellor will probably have the best insight into how my mood is changing. But there will be no discussions between my counsellor, my GP and I about these changes and my medication. This leaves me stuck in the middle, responsible for coordinating my treatment, and trying to communicate with a GP who believes that antidepressants are the best answer.

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Self help.

It’s been just over a month since my first GP appointment and today is the day of my counselling assessment with Mind. The new year was a reflection point and helped me to think of 2013 as the start of a journey towards recovery. I would have liked to access counselling quicker, but in the meantime, 1st January provided an opportunity to set some self-help resolutions aimed at taking responsibility for my own recovery.

I use Mappiness and because I’ve been using it for a while, I have good statistics in there about what activities are associated with me feeling happier. I used this to devise these strategies and I’m recording my progress with them using Evernote. My iPhone is a great tool to keep track of my mood and what works in stabilising it.

1. The Good List: record one good thing that has happened to me every day. It doesn’t need to be big, just a reminder that my life is full of good things. This was inspired by Facebook’s Year in Review, which reminded me that although last year was tough emotionally, it was full of incredible experiences.

2. Listen to music for half an hour a day: music has always been an important part of my life, but when I’m down I often forget to use it as the positive soundtrack that it can be.

3. Read a book every day, even if it’s only for 10 minutes: when I’m feeling low, I can spend hours reading ‘stuff’ on the internet that often makes me feel worse. Putting the screen away and reading a book creates a different space in my life and I feel like it stimulates my creativity. And it doesn’t have to be ‘happy’ reading (I’ve just finished The Bell Jar).

4. Only 1 hour of TV per day: I can get sucked down the hole of endless hours of crap TV, which helps switch my mind off but encourages my feelings of emptiness.

5. Cook 1 new meal from recipe per fortnight: I love cooking for pleasure, I hate cooking when I have to. This is designed to bring back some of the pleasure of cooking into my life and I’m looking forward to exploring Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s Veg.

6. Four days off alcohol per week: I often end up drinking frequently, generally tied to social activities, but I know that alcohol really impacts on my mood. I need to learn to go to the pub and order a soft drink or juice.

7. Get to the pool or gym three times per week: Exercise does help me sometimes, but when I get into it I can get a bit obsessive. A goal of 3 times a week is also about keeping it moderate. I’m training for a 7km run in a few weeks, so the fear of embarrassing failure should help motivate me (still not quite sure if this resolution is a positive coping strategy?).

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